Allies in Healing

I don’t know if I will do resolutions this year but there are 2 things that I have decided to take on recently and I am taking actions toward them.

The 1st one is getting someone to come in a couple of hours every 3 weeks and cleaning our house. That one has been big. Freaking out that if we don’t do deep cleanings on a regular basis we will have moths again…Getting past the guilt of it, getting past the fact that “we can’t afford it” (so not true!) etc. J and I always fight about this because we have different standards (not good or bad, just different). So… I have taken action to find someone who can come in and do that and I am pretty excited. I want someone who is reliable, good (it’s actually a real skill and I am not very good at it), and uses green products ideally. If you’re in SF and know of someone like that, please let me know as I’d prefer to pay an individual then a company.

The 2nd one is that I realized I really want an ally when it comes to working on my body. I can get myself to exercise, I can get myself to do yoga, but I don’t enjoy it. And I know there are lots of reasons why I don’t enjoy it. But the main thing is that I know that there is relationship to my body that needs transforming. And I am not going to be able to do it alone. So I decided to find someone who is a specialist when it comes to these things. There is a woman who has been recommended to me via my school and various communities, because she is a trainer but not in the traditional sense of trainers like a lot of gyms have. Today I finally looked at her website and emailed her to see what kind of discounted plan she could give me (as a student).
One of the main thing that tells me she might be the right person for me is what she wrote on her website (pasted below):

Regarding your passage at the end, about feeling awkward talking about food because then people will think about your weight – I TOTALLY know what you’re talking about. That’s not uncommon at all. For a long time, I’d even get uncomfortable when people noticed I lost weight and wanted to talk about whether or not my body was changing, because it meant that I’d have to admit that I was overweight to start with – and there’s so much shame and guilt and loaded emotional heat around “being over weight”. So yeah, I totally know what you’re feeling.

Here’s something to consider, though: If you’re overweight, and you know it, and you know you’re doing something about it – it’s just a fact. It’s a fact like the sky is blue and the ground is hard. Is it good? Is it bad? No – that’s judgment – your judgment, other people’s judgment, whatever. It’s something we attach onto a fact.

But having excess adipose tissue on your body is not shameful or dirty or wrong. It’s something nearly everyone in America deals with during their lifetime. It’s not disgusting. It doesnt make you a bad person (in the same way like, child abuse, or chaining a dog up outside all the time in every weather is disgusting or might be an aspersion on your person-hood, yanno?) It’s tissue. There’s more of it than you are happy with. You’re in the process of changing it. In the meanwhile, it’s there. And you know it, and you see it, and other people know it and they see it, and as it changes, everyone will see that too. And that’s OKAY! Not good, not bad, not shameful not prideful. Just data.

I think what we’re afraid of, really, is not “being fat”. The fat is just taking the fall for the real fear, which is negative judgement. We’re afraid (and rightfully so considering how EVIL the condition of overweight is portrayed in the media), that people looking at us are seeing excess girth and equating it to negative character traits (being lazy, over-indulgent, slothful, making poor choices, BAD) – but you know what? they’re not. At least most of the time they’re not. We all have friends with extra curves – do we think they’re bad people? Do we even notice past how beautiful we think they are? Probably not. Because what their body looks like isn’t what defines them as PEOPLE to us. We enjoy them as people, and our brain accepts who they are physically as part of that enjoyment. Their size is just information that our brain collects along with “has red hair” and “has great laugh”.

And the kind of people who WOULD think someone was (lazy, slothful, indulgent, BAD) because of how their body looks aren’t people you want to associate with anyway, because they’re brainwashed by the media and limited in their understanding of the range of human variation and beauty. In other words – they’re so limited their thinking that their judgements mean less.

To change yourself, you have to be willing to look at yourself *objectively*. Stretch marks, inches, numbers on the scale, hair color, eye color, blood type – this is all just data that describes your body. It is not you, it does not define you. It’s just information you can use to help you grow.
And as for the rest of it – You like cheese – who cares? You also like certain colors, certain movies, certain music. There’s no wrong in enjoying your tastes.
You will still like cheese when your body is smaller. You liked it when you were younger and you’ll like it when you’re older. This is all just part of your personality – and your personality is what makes you YOU, and what makes you beautiful. Like cheese. Like cheesy movies. Like cheesy music. Like “bad” clothes. And don’t be embarrassed – because for every one person who finds that unattractive, there will be 3 more who probably find it endearing.
Know yourself – and know there’s no good or bad – there’s just the stuff you like, and the stuff you’re working to improve. Be you. Like what you like, and trust yourself.

Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is just a jerkface. =)

Love,
c

I’ve been working so hard on getting to know myself for so many years but I realize that If I am not willing to engage my body into the work, it will never feel complete for me.
I also know that we cant do anything alone or without engaging into some sort of dialogue. Or wait… it’s possible… but very very difficult. And I am tired of difficult.

It takes something to tell myself that I am worth these steps. The money is one thing, but I think a lot of people use lack of money as an excuse because it’s easier to say “oh i don’t have time” or “oh I don’t have money” than to say “oh, i don’t really think I am good enough” or “oh I don’t really think that I am worth it”.

But we are only worth as much as we invest in ourselves. And that’s becoming clear to me.
It’s becoming clear that the more I embrace being worth it, the more worth comes my way and the more I can act and be that other people are worth it as well.

I know many people confuse being worth it and deserving so it’s a tricky thing to post about. It’s also tricky when we already have all the wealth and power in the world. Many of us are stopped by that but our “playing small does not serve the world.” ( said who ?)