Resolve to Be.

New Year Resolution exercise from Suzie Bright.

1.Name a goal you have— any goal for the future, be it near or far, small or large, heavy or light. Whatever means the most to you at the moment.

Finish a 1^st draft of my full length play.

2. Imagine yourself right after having accomplished this goal, in the minutes or hours after you’ve DONE it. You’re on the other side. It’s the day after, it’s behind you.

I’d feel light and accomplished. Ready to share my work with the world.

3.Write down the date you’d like to see this goal accomplished. Could be a day, weeks, months, years. Your ideal time to see it happen.

September.

So apparently once you do this, you have to look at nbr 2 because that’s your real goal ! And something inside tells you you can’t have that goal because of nbr 1. Wow. Okay, that totally makes a lot of sense. Because man, it has been a long time since I’ve felt light and like my work was worth sharing with the world. I think I have to finish my play in order to feel light, accomplished and share my work with the world !

So… one thing I could start by doing is allowing myself to feel light and accomplished and like my work is worth sharing with the world. Um, yes… that would certainly help the play get written. Because frankly, it’s a pretty heavy play and it would be a lot easier to write it if I could pick it up with a light heart and with the feeling that I am already accomplished even if I am not finished with it. Wow. This is a great exercise. Just awesome.

I’ve been in a slump for oh about a week. More like 2. The gum surgery. I am not writing these pages for other people… right ? Right. I just want to do them every morning and I don’t care if they make sense or not. I can choose to feel light and accomplished any time, regardless of circumstances. Wow. There is something huge to take on. I like it.

Another thing I want to take on is experiencing life through the heart, no matter what else is going on. No matter what I am doing or what I am talking about or who I am with. It takes something to be in that constant state of openness but that is something I really want to take on. Not only will it be required from my work but if I can practice it every day all the time, then my work will be that much better. That doesn’t mean I am not going to fail or suck at it. That is going to require heart and compassion toward myself, but it means that it’s something I can take on. And of course if I can add lightness and the feeling of being accomplished to it, then that should be great. I haven’t really felt excited about anything this past week. It’s nice to see that perhaps these days, my excitement lies in spiritual goals. I was lying in bed last night and I was thinking about what it would feel like to be in my 60s or 70s and have to think of life as potentially 10 to 20 more years of living at most. I was thinking about how easy it would be to be that age and look at your life and regret not having done many things. I was thinking about how with the ways i’ve been being and acting, I am setting myself up for that kind of failure. I am setting myself up for old age, where I look back and it’s not enough. What i’ve done was not enough. Because it will never be. There will never be enough years to be enough. There will never be enough doing to fulfill the human doing thing. But to be a human being. If you can just be and take on a certain quality of being as your way of life, then perhaps, there is a chance of being 60 or 70 and fulfilled. Perhaps there is a chance of not feeling like there wasn’t or isn’t enough time. This is speculation. I don’t know. I suppose I’d have to interview the older people in my life. Though of course it’s pretty scary to ask someone what their relationship is to the fact that they have at most 20 years left to live. But it shouldn’t be a scary thing. It’s a fact of life. What if it was just a fact of life ? I was lying in bed and thinking about all this. Then I started wondering what was wrong with me that I am 36 years old and I am lying in bed thinking about what it will be like to be old and closer to death. But then I realized that maybe it is a great thing to be that reflective. To look at what kind of old person I’d like to be before I am already old and it’s too late to try to be that person. But it’s never too late to be the person you want to be ? It might be too late to do the doing you want to do. But it’s never to late to be the person you want to be.

Perhaps in order to do, we have to be first. Because in our being, we make room for the doing. The doing just comes naturally. I’ve been in a course for a year that’s been teaching me that, but I haven’t really gotten it. I have kept on doing, trying, planning, scheming, hoping. And it doesn’t work ! But oh I keep doing it anyway. Because doing is the way. The American Way especially. I even got calls from my dad telling me explicitly that he was interested in hearing how I was being not how I was doing and I didn’t even take the hint very well. I had a call with my mentor earlier this week, where he was trying to tell me that my capacity to Be and who I know how to be is what makes a huge difference when I walk into a room. The capacity to Be with anything. That is what makes you, unique. You can be with anything, he said. Me ? Huh. Not really. I spend my whole life trying to avoid it. I spend my life thinking about what I have to do to be who I want to be. It’s freaking ridiculous. It’s so obvious that it’s something I forget all the time. Or maybe I never really saw it. I don’t know. But here is the trick, what does it take to be light and accomplished and to be that I am worth it ? It takes being light and accomplished and being that I am worth it. Too easy ? Maybe. But that is precisely what gets in my way. Because I don’t believe it could be that easy. I don’t believe that in order to be a loving person I just have to be a loving person. That in order to be whole, I just have to be whole. That in order to be at peace, I just have to be at peace.

But it’s the truth. There is nothing I have to do to be any of these things. I just have to be them. Every moment is another opportunity to be the things I want to be. It has nothing to do with doing. And all of you will argue with me until the end of time that it isn’t that simple, because if we all suddenly agreed with this truth, capitalism would collapse and our whole society would transform. In one instant.

 

Allies in Healing

I don’t know if I will do resolutions this year but there are 2 things that I have decided to take on recently and I am taking actions toward them.

The 1st one is getting someone to come in a couple of hours every 3 weeks and cleaning our house. That one has been big. Freaking out that if we don’t do deep cleanings on a regular basis we will have moths again…Getting past the guilt of it, getting past the fact that “we can’t afford it” (so not true!) etc. J and I always fight about this because we have different standards (not good or bad, just different). So… I have taken action to find someone who can come in and do that and I am pretty excited. I want someone who is reliable, good (it’s actually a real skill and I am not very good at it), and uses green products ideally. If you’re in SF and know of someone like that, please let me know as I’d prefer to pay an individual then a company.

The 2nd one is that I realized I really want an ally when it comes to working on my body. I can get myself to exercise, I can get myself to do yoga, but I don’t enjoy it. And I know there are lots of reasons why I don’t enjoy it. But the main thing is that I know that there is relationship to my body that needs transforming. And I am not going to be able to do it alone. So I decided to find someone who is a specialist when it comes to these things. There is a woman who has been recommended to me via my school and various communities, because she is a trainer but not in the traditional sense of trainers like a lot of gyms have. Today I finally looked at her website and emailed her to see what kind of discounted plan she could give me (as a student).
One of the main thing that tells me she might be the right person for me is what she wrote on her website (pasted below):

Regarding your passage at the end, about feeling awkward talking about food because then people will think about your weight – I TOTALLY know what you’re talking about. That’s not uncommon at all. For a long time, I’d even get uncomfortable when people noticed I lost weight and wanted to talk about whether or not my body was changing, because it meant that I’d have to admit that I was overweight to start with – and there’s so much shame and guilt and loaded emotional heat around “being over weight”. So yeah, I totally know what you’re feeling.

Here’s something to consider, though: If you’re overweight, and you know it, and you know you’re doing something about it – it’s just a fact. It’s a fact like the sky is blue and the ground is hard. Is it good? Is it bad? No – that’s judgment – your judgment, other people’s judgment, whatever. It’s something we attach onto a fact.

But having excess adipose tissue on your body is not shameful or dirty or wrong. It’s something nearly everyone in America deals with during their lifetime. It’s not disgusting. It doesnt make you a bad person (in the same way like, child abuse, or chaining a dog up outside all the time in every weather is disgusting or might be an aspersion on your person-hood, yanno?) It’s tissue. There’s more of it than you are happy with. You’re in the process of changing it. In the meanwhile, it’s there. And you know it, and you see it, and other people know it and they see it, and as it changes, everyone will see that too. And that’s OKAY! Not good, not bad, not shameful not prideful. Just data.

I think what we’re afraid of, really, is not “being fat”. The fat is just taking the fall for the real fear, which is negative judgement. We’re afraid (and rightfully so considering how EVIL the condition of overweight is portrayed in the media), that people looking at us are seeing excess girth and equating it to negative character traits (being lazy, over-indulgent, slothful, making poor choices, BAD) – but you know what? they’re not. At least most of the time they’re not. We all have friends with extra curves – do we think they’re bad people? Do we even notice past how beautiful we think they are? Probably not. Because what their body looks like isn’t what defines them as PEOPLE to us. We enjoy them as people, and our brain accepts who they are physically as part of that enjoyment. Their size is just information that our brain collects along with “has red hair” and “has great laugh”.

And the kind of people who WOULD think someone was (lazy, slothful, indulgent, BAD) because of how their body looks aren’t people you want to associate with anyway, because they’re brainwashed by the media and limited in their understanding of the range of human variation and beauty. In other words – they’re so limited their thinking that their judgements mean less.

To change yourself, you have to be willing to look at yourself *objectively*. Stretch marks, inches, numbers on the scale, hair color, eye color, blood type – this is all just data that describes your body. It is not you, it does not define you. It’s just information you can use to help you grow.
And as for the rest of it – You like cheese – who cares? You also like certain colors, certain movies, certain music. There’s no wrong in enjoying your tastes.
You will still like cheese when your body is smaller. You liked it when you were younger and you’ll like it when you’re older. This is all just part of your personality – and your personality is what makes you YOU, and what makes you beautiful. Like cheese. Like cheesy movies. Like cheesy music. Like “bad” clothes. And don’t be embarrassed – because for every one person who finds that unattractive, there will be 3 more who probably find it endearing.
Know yourself – and know there’s no good or bad – there’s just the stuff you like, and the stuff you’re working to improve. Be you. Like what you like, and trust yourself.

Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is just a jerkface. =)

Love,
c

I’ve been working so hard on getting to know myself for so many years but I realize that If I am not willing to engage my body into the work, it will never feel complete for me.
I also know that we cant do anything alone or without engaging into some sort of dialogue. Or wait… it’s possible… but very very difficult. And I am tired of difficult.

It takes something to tell myself that I am worth these steps. The money is one thing, but I think a lot of people use lack of money as an excuse because it’s easier to say “oh i don’t have time” or “oh I don’t have money” than to say “oh, i don’t really think I am good enough” or “oh I don’t really think that I am worth it”.

But we are only worth as much as we invest in ourselves. And that’s becoming clear to me.
It’s becoming clear that the more I embrace being worth it, the more worth comes my way and the more I can act and be that other people are worth it as well.

I know many people confuse being worth it and deserving so it’s a tricky thing to post about. It’s also tricky when we already have all the wealth and power in the world. Many of us are stopped by that but our “playing small does not serve the world.” ( said who ?)

 

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Unworthy

I walked and everything came unraveling
My heart buckets of water flooding up
Earth spotted throat
Niagara falls
Descending
My life
Existence
And always
Beneath it
This control of my body
Limbs extending tall
11 years old always looming
just when I thought I didn’t care
anymore about what you did
just when i thought i had forgotten
how family can descend into hell
oh heavens loose
lose yourself inside my head
while i run up this hill
wiping
water
from my cheeks
magnolia scented feet
petaled out
for all to see
what is wrong with this girl
woman-child
walking down a path
that seemed all right
on that side of the mississipi
but the river had two banks
and so i sweep my charcoal burned bangs
away from the cloudy eyes
I walked and everything came unraveling
The faster I walked, the faster the tear drops
concrete dreams
alibis
humming birds
magnolias
this was not it
it wasn’t me
it wasn’t me
who was scared
that time at the dinner table
when i was told not to eat too many potatoes
it wasn’t me
it was him
who was scared
of my body
turning
its angular carrot shaped limbs
into cinnamon apple
no sticks
it was him
who feared
the roundness of my shapes
the wholeness of my faith
the truth
that lies beneath
the walks i take
the meals i break
the flow
of
my
life.

i wept for myself tonight.
for all the fear I took on that wasn’t mine to take on
all the hours of wanting another body
so badly.

this poem is broken
but then again
so was I.

Flick flock
you and I
we’ll piece it all away
and tie it in a pretty bow
for all to see.

so many years of self hatred.
it wasn’t worth it.

 

 

Integration.

An interesting week. Stories coming to me. So many stories from different people, different avenues. Insomnia struck this week. I ended up on this crazy schedule of going to be between 2am and 4am and waking up between 10am and 12pm. Just not convenient. I can still do everything I do and I was still fairly productive but the sleep just isn’t the same. A few of the nights, I went to bed at 2 and then just lied awake for hours before falling asleep. I don’t feel particularly anxious or anything . Just awake. Like there isn’t enough time to do everything I want to do. Then came the judgment this week. The self judgment. For not exercising enough this week. For not meditating. La di da. This morning I woke and meditated for 15 mns while the coffee was brewing. My thoughts were just racing all over the place. I couldn’t quiet down for a good 10 mns. Then suddenly this thought came into my mind : “I am so angry at white men. I am so angry at this civilization.” Wow. Didn’t even know that was there. No wonder I had been totally irritable for the past few days. It makes sense these emotions really after I heard all these stories of men doing awful awful things. As soon as it hit me, I thought “I don’t have to carry it all. I don’t have to carry all the pain of these stories. I don’t have to carry all the anger.” I went deeper into the anger and felt it. Then it turned into sadness and tears. I jut let the tears be there and then I picked a card from the osho tarot that I have on my altar. INTEGRATION.

The card said “The politics are not outside of you. The politics are inside you.” Wow. And then it went on to say that the bridge between our dual sides is very fragile and very small. If it is broken when we are small ( or even later as adults, it can be broken too) , then we begin to live a life of duality and we are always trying to find that bridge, to rebuild it. The bridge that links the dual sides and makes us whole and integrated. I let that sink in. I really got it. I really got how I am always hanging with one foot on that bridge and trying to balance on it . But it is so thin that I end up falling a lot. So I must continue to strengthen that bridge. For me, there are two things that I know help strengthen that bridge : being in my body ( ie  exercising, dancing etc) and meditation.

It occurred to me last night that if I don’t do these two things, my life feels totally different. The key is not to beat myself up when I don’t do it, but I also want to start looking at these things as important and essential , rather than time taking selfish tasks. It’s such a balance. Lokoing at these things like joyful things to do for me, rather than punishing things I have to do in order to feel whole. They can just be things I love doing and things I value and care about so much that I do them. But the stigma in this culture linked to exercise is so huge that it can be hard to remember that we can do it just because it feels good to us.  I used to do it because I wanted to lose 10 pounds. The only time I ever lost 10 pounds in my life was this past year when I didn’t focus on losing them, and when I just did what I wanted to do and pursued what made me happy. The only time I lost weight was when I worked on the things that were weighing me down mentally and emotionally. I know so many women who, like me, have worked so hard, exercised , exercised and exercised, deprived themselves from food they loved and gained weight from doing it ! It all has to be integrated and it there is resentment or guilt or shame inside of doing these things, it never works. Or if we do it for other people. To please our fathers, our boyfriends, our brothers. To prove the abusers that we are worthy. All these reasons for taking care of ourselves don’t lead to any positive results. They just reinforce our guilt, shame and self hatred.

For me , meditation has been the only thing that helped me slowly release the judgment of myself and other people. Everytime you sit, you can feel the emotions and release them. There was a time period , when I first started meditation when all I did everytime I sat was cry. It was like it was never going to end. But I had a lot of things that I had never allowed myself to feel throughout my life and they needed to come out at some point. Then, meditation became the place where I cried and it sort of defeated the purpose because instead of being where I was at, I began to have fear that I was going to cry during it.

I had to reclaim that space and know that it was going to be whatever it was. Sometimes tears, sometimes numbness, and once in a while, joy. But the beauty of meditation is that the point was to go to the cushion without an agenda. To just sit and like my teacher says “observe, relax and allow.”

Observe , relax and allow has proven to be one of the most helpful things I have ever heard from anyone. You can do it in any circumstance. No matter what happens, you can stop yourself from just reacting by remembering to observe, relax and allow. That’s what we do with the breath and we can do that with everything.

This does not mean be passive in your life. It is a statement that I continuously rediscover and I encourage these of you who read this to just take it on in your life and see what it does for you in your life. It’s easy to think we know what it mean. But just check it out and you’ll see it will evolve and grow over time. It will mean something different as your whole being takes on that state of observation, relaxation and allowance.

These are three states that these who have been hurt and abused in any way shape or form are very unfamiliar with. These are states that are very scary because they are about as far from vigilance as one can go. One thing I saw is that I can have these states in my body, heart and mind. I can be curious (observe), relax in the moment ( rather than tense against it) and allow whatever is there ( acceptance).  Accepting does no mean condoning just like forgiving does not mean forgetting. These terms are very often confused. I didn’t see any of this until I really began to sit with myself. Another thing that really helped me was massage. During massage, I would apply the observe, relax and allow and suddenly my body came into its own wisdom. Without me doing anything.

For the last week or so I can’t stop hearing in my head Angela’s voice saying “it is amazing how things are connected.”

I am not sure what it’s telling me, but one thing I do know, is that as much as I never wanted certain things to happen to me, I would never trade my life and experience for anyone else’s.

I am not sure if that is integration , but it sure feels like I am getting closer to it.

 

There are two types of creators in the world. One type of creator works with objects – a poet, a painter, they work with objects, they create things. The other type of creator, the mystic, creates himself. He doesn’t work with objects, he works with the subject; he works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.

You are carrying a masterpiece hidden within you, but you are standing in the way. Just move aside, then the masterpiece will be revealed. Everyone is a masterpiece, because God never gives birth to anything less than that. Everyone carries that masterpiece hidden for many lives, not knowing who they are and just trying on the surface to become someone.

Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it. God himself has created you; you cannot be improved.

Osho Ah, This! Chapter 1

Tags: healing, thoughts, meditation, life